What’s God got to do with it?

It’s very difficult to stay without belief in something, or in nothing. As an African, the belief in a spiritual being is something inevitable. What then can one do, who finds himself doubting something he has believed in his entire life? Look at this personal story, it might just be what you also need.

After a few visions of a huge loss coming into my life, but I didn’t know what it’d be like, it was finally time for the unseen to be seen. It was time to envision in real life. It was time to fill the huge loss that would not only hit me, but would devastate me properly. 

On Monday, Jan 25th, 2021, I had a talk with my mom who had gone to visit my brother, who was terribly sick in the hospital. In her opinion, there was no hope for my brother’s survival anymore. In her experience, my brother was actually losing it slowly to the battle. In my response, I told her, “it’s not time to cry, it’s time to pray!”. She gave into my idea. She held her tears, and gave into prayers, which soon would not give her the answer she wanted.

One day after, he was given a referral. I’m not sure the referral was really given so that he could get better treatment, or because they didn’t want him to die in that hospital (It’s a common practice in some medical stations). Everyone who was attending to him, whom I talked to, had lost hope already, but I told them the same thing I told Mom, “it’s not time to cry, it’s time to pray”. I honestly was hoping that God would consider the petition of one of the many people making Him restless for my brother’s sake.

On 27th January, he was transferred to a better facility. I wish better could do better. I think they did their best, though some also did their worst. On 28th, he picked up with good energy, joking with us as he always did. He pranked us in many ways, we laughed, sang, and were glad, little did we know it was just close. I told Mom of the progress he’s making, and she made this statement, “if God heals that boy of mine, I wonder what I should give Him in return!”. I could feel the prayer in every word she mentioned. I didn’t know what to say to her, just wishing I were God. 

The following day, he became weak. I tried consulting the doctors about his growing condition, but they thought he wasn’t about to lose it yet. They gave me hope. But in the end, they’re also humans. 

On Sunday 31st, January 2021, by 11.00am, I called to find out his progress, they told me he was eating something. I was glad. By 12.10pm, I was called, and told he’s gone. Boom! That’s so not cool. Just about 1 hour, and the news changed so quickly. “Should I believe it, or I am being tricked?”, I thought to myself. But, yeah, that was it. He couldn’t wait to bid me goodbye before he gets to his hereafter. Maybe he didn’t want to, or perhaps it was just not in his power.

I was devastated with this series of events. God definitely had got me to the worst. He had the power to make a quick fix, but He didn’t. He was there when I told people to pray, and they gave into it. He was there when I asked Him to heal my brother, or rather, not to let him die. He was there when I asked others to help me pray. But He was also there when our wishes never came to reality. Does He really have all answers, or does He truly care about how humans feel? Well, definitely only He can answer that in a convincing way.

What now? Should I hate God, doubt Him, or perhaps thank Him? If I say ‘I’ll thank God’, I’ll be deceiving, because my heart was at rage. What’s the point in thanking with my lips while my heart is fully disgusted? And If I say, ‘I’ll hate Him’, what would it profit me? In the end, I’m human, and He is God, hating Him wouldn’t make for my loss. Or perhaps, should doubt be more ideal? But my unbelief won’t change the reality of who God truly is. 

I remember someone telling me, “don’t cry, you’ll see him at the end of time”, I didn’t say a word to her. “That’s what the bible says”, she continued. I turned and looked at her, at the mention of that, I finally had something to say, “so, you know the bible, huh?”, I asked her. In anxiety, she agreed with approval head shake. “The bible says God heals”, I said to her, and she still agreed with me, not knowing what the next question would be. “So, tell me, you Bible Guru, was He so busy attending to people of higher profile, or my prayers were too useless to Him? Why didn’t He heal the man who lies useless now?”, I asked her, but she could say no word. She was useless to me at that time. I hastily left her, and went to sleep. 

I couldn’t deny it anymore, I had a lot of hatred for God. I needed a better reason to start afresh with God. I didn’t want to be consoled of my loss of my brother, I needed to have a reason to relate with God, but no one could see that. I know that death is part of life, but my negative feelings towards God shouldn’t be a part of life, but yeah, it was at that time.

Well, I appreciate all who thought it wise to tell me how good my brother was, or how the bible says this and that thing, to try to get me out of the low moments of my life, nonetheless, I don’t dispute the fact that my realities were hidden from humanity. Some were telling me how they lost their loved ones, I understand their motive, but no, I can’t feel the way they felt, so, definitely their testimonies couldn’t do much for my situation, this is my beloved, not theirs, and I’m not them.

It’s sad that the deepest questions of our realities can not be answered by the wisdom of man, not by their sympathy either. Deep in the eyes of friends, I could see, “I wish I could help, but…”, they tried to presume a problem, and tried to create a fix it solution, but even though the intentions were good, they couldn’t get the best from their efforts. 

In passing through this, I understood why the Bethany sisters would attack Jesus for not being available by the time they needed him the most. I also understood that unless God Himself speaks, they that speak labor in vain. People counted to me their experiences when they lost their dear ones, some told me of their hope of seeing their lost ones after time has passed, but they were wasting their time, because they weren’t really changing anything. I needed my loved one here, and now, not in some place or some future, that seemed like forever to me.

Even though I couldn’t help but think about all the negativities about God, yet one thing I didn’t let go, I petitioned Him for everything. I petitioned Him to help me believe in Him again, I petitioned Him to heal my broken heart, I petitioned Him to help me accept the new reality. This didn’t happen for about 2 weeks after the first petition I made. Was God so busy? Was He not hearing me? Or He was in the process, but I was so hasty?

I trusted in God all my life, but why would God choose to be silent, far off, and seemingly less concerned about me at this time? He is not a fair-weather God, or is He? No. He is of all seasons. If I didn’t understand why things were happening the way they were, that doesn’t mean He was far off, or that He didn’t care, or that He was silent.

In the middle of my third week, I got to realize what I’ve been looking for. I learned that I’ve been putting God in lower position, and the problems in a far greater position. I suppose it’s not just me, but a whole lot of people out there do that. But this was no matter to compare, it was matter to deal with. I needed to let God take His rightful place. I needed to let Him have control again. But then, how?

For all that period, I refused to attend any fellowship. On the Sunday of that third week, I went to just pass time in church, but that’s where my “how” would find the answer. Honestly, it was not the church environment I’d love to be in. First, they were so not systematic, secondly, they were not having a very convenient arrangement, but yeah, it was in that funny place, with name that I can’t even remember that my answer was. Why on earth would a divine being choose to answer me in such a place? 

The preacher walked in front of the crowd like a ninja, and sang a song that I sang there. It was a song I wrote myself. In case you would love to listen to, https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/wzYru trust me, you might like it as well. While he sung the chorus, “it is well, it is well… as long as I have Jesus it is well,…”, the song came to me in a different picture than I’d ever sung it. The preacher then taught from the song of songs 3. It’s a love story, no big deal, isn’t it? Actually, yeah, there’s a pretty big deal to it. The lover girl in that song talks about how after realizing that her love was missing on bed, she had to run everywhere to look for Him. That’s what exactly I needed to do. I needed to start looking for God, forgetting the anger, and the rage in me. Seek, and you’ll find, isn’t it? That was it.

Not many people really want to give in to that last step. If you’re burdened, try it, it might just be what you need. I sought God afresh, and allowed Him to start teaching me from where we begun many years ago. He had to start from who He is, and who I am. He showed me what brings us together, and wanted us to be United again. 

Though I’d given up on Him, He didn’t give up on me. He kept whispering to me. He called me into that old school church, that I could understand Him better. If you are in such position, don’t give up, seek answers from Him.